Never Free
by Hallahiliel
Summary: As the dead of the night approached, she sat at her window and watched as the one she loved walked away from her forever. Lily oneshot. First attempt at a fanfic, please read and review!


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, I might actually have a life.

This is my first attempt at a fan fiction. Please read and review.

Never Free 

Lily sat at the foggy window, her emerald eyes staring unseeing at the empty street below. The heavy, bitter winds sneaked in through the window, and the icy rain pelted down in buckets, soaking her clothes. Despite her numbness, she made no attempt to shut the window. In her mind, Lily ran over the final conversation that had led her here, lonely and depressed.

_Lily felt her eyes fill with tears as she looked once again at the empty bed beside her. It was the third time this week it had happened. Despite her constant begging, he never told her where he was going. He always stated that he had some important business to attend. At first she had believed him, but as it slowly turned into a regular thing she began to have her doubts about his faithfulness._

_She sat up and crawled out of bed, bitting her lip to stop the tears from falling. She stood in front of her mirror, and met her appearance with dissatisfaction. Her deep red hair was dull and dry, her once powerful eyes shrunken into her face. Her rosy cheeks had faded with lack of sunlight, and the dark circles under her eyes clearly indicated her stress._

_She showered quickly, rubbing her skin fiercely with the cloth and vigorously shampooing her scalp. She wrapped herself in a towel and walked back into the bedroom. At the doorway, she stopped. There, barely ten paces in front of her, he stood with his back to her. Lily stuffed her hand in her mouth to stop herself from crying out as she spotted the naked woman in the room, her wrapped tightly around his waist._

_She turned on her heel and fled. She ran down the stairs and out of the front door, the tears she had tried to hold back seeped from her eyes, leaving dirty tracks running down her cheeks. She ran into the woods and sunk to the hard ground, shock and betrayal draining her of energy. She winced slightly as her bare hand caught on the sharp thorns, leaving deep, angry cuts in her flesh._

Lily tore her eyes away from the desolate street and looked down at her forearms. The scars that marked her were a reminder of the terrible mistake that she had made. If she could take it all back, she would have done so in a flash. Instead she had to spend every day dealing with her grief.

The sun had set before Lily moved. The bitter pre-winter winds hinted at an approaching storm and the aching of her back forced her to stand up. She looked towards the direction of the house, wondering what she would find there. She had to talk to him, to tell him of the pain he had caused her.

_She opened the front door and was greeted by the sweet aroma of cooking bacon and eggs. As he always did, he was preparing dinner, for she was a dreadful cook. She stepped silently into the doorway, and stared at his back as he continued to work. Her heart ached at the sight. Here he was acting all happy when no doubt he would soon seek the pleasure of another._

_He turned around at that instant, and smiled at her, not noticing her red eyes. Lily's stomach churned unpleasantly. 'It's so beautiful when he smiles,' she thought to herself. 'Can I really bear to be without him?' _

'_I missed you today, my Lily-flower. I had hoped you would join me for Sunday lunch,' he stated conversationally. _

_He walked over and placed two plates on the table, dimming the bright lights as he went. Lily shuddered slightly at the romantic atmosphere he was starting to create. She wanted nothing more than to be in his arms as he caressed her and told her that he loved her. But that was impossible after what she had seen today. He had broken her trust, and that could never be replaced. _

_He looked at her curiously, confused by her lack of response. His eyes widened as he spotted her red and puffy eyes._

'_What's has happened, my darling?' He asked, concern etched in every line of his voice._

_Lily looked at the ground, unable to answer. Fresh tears began to stroll down her cheeks, adding to his concern. He walked up to her and put his arms around her, holding her protectively._

'_You left me again,' she whispered shakily, her voice breaking._

_He breathed in deeply. He buried his face in her hair, and began to stroke her face. Lately he had been away from her, attending to business that had to be kept secret from her. He hadn't realised til now just how much he had hurt her._

'_I am sorry, my angel,' he said soothingly. 'If you come with me, I have something to show you. Perhaps it'll help you forgive me for my reckless behaviour.'_

_He started to drag her towards the stairs, their dinner lying forgotten on the table. Lily followed him slowly, her natural curiosity temporarily getting the better. As they approached the second floor landing, Lily turned and jerked her hand away. He stopped and looked at her wearily._

_Lily stood trembling in the candlelit hallway, her tears drying up at the intensity of her anger._

'_What right do you think you have?' Lily shouted, the windows rattling at her rage. 'What goddam right? You leave me all alone for hours at a time without telling me where you are going, and then you apologise and expect me to forgive you? You were out having a merry time while I was stuck here, worrying about you. Do you have any idea what that was like? I didn't know if you were hurt or scared or anything. How could you do that to me? I thought you loved me.'_

_Lily's voice died, the howling winds outside reflecting her inner emotion. He stood there, unsure of how he should respond._

'_I am so very sorry, my Lily-flower. I assure you that I was perfectly fine, that I was doing nothing illegal or dangerous or stupid, and that the whole time my mind was focused around you. But you must understand, Lily, that I had no choice but to do what I did.' He crossed his fingers behind his back, willing her to understand._

'_What do you mean, you had no choice? What could have been important that you were unable to tell your own partner about your whereabouts?' Lily screeched, causing complete silence outside._

'_I can't tell you yet, Lily,' he mumbled, his eyes wide. 'If you'll just follow me you'll soon understand what I mean. If I had told you where I was, it would have giving it away a…'_

'_Given what away?' Lily interrupted. 'That you spend nearly every night cheating on me? Is that it?'_

'_What do you mean?' he asked incredulously._

"_That's where you go every night isn't it? You leave me at home while you go off and knocked some poor woman up. Wasn't I good enough for you, huh? Were my bedroom skills so bad that you needed to run to another to get pleasure?' Lily broke off, her eyes stained with tears._

'_I can't believe that you would think that!' He shouted angrily, causing Lily to jump in surprise. 'How many times have I told you that you are the one I want? How often must I say to you that I will always be loyal and true to you? I thought you were the one for me. Obviously, I thought wrong.'_

_Lily stared at him, repulsed by his utter denial. She had seen that woman this morning with her own eyes. Even he couldn't deny that sort of evidence._

'_But…' she began, but he cut her off._

'_I am through with you, Lily. I have put up with this since the beginning of our relationship. How long will it take for you to trust me?'_

_Lily stood open mouthed, stung by the truthfulness of his words. She trusted him, but she had never trusted him enough._

_Lily opened her mouth to speak but he stopped her._

'_I'm leaving, Lily. Nothing you say can change my mind now. Don't bother trying to contact me, I'm not interested any more.'_

_He raised his wand and summoned his trunk to him, his clothes already packed inside. He had been prepared for this moment for weeks, but it was still hard. As he looked into Lily's eyes he realised how much he loved her. But she was now history. All he had to do was push her to the back of his mind, and no one could be as cold hearted as he._

_He walked towards the door, Lily's eyes watching his every move. He put his hand in the handle, and turned. He whirled around to face Lily once more, and threw something towards her._

'_Here,' he muttered gruffly. 'Maybe this'll clear a few things up.'_

_Lily watched in silence as he pushed the door open. Her emerald eyes filled with tears as she watched his retreating back. She ran out after him, desperately calling for him to forgive her. She watched as his slim figure was engulfed in the snow, and then she sank to her knees and howled her grief into the frosty air._

Lily sobbed softly to herself. She remembered the guilt she had felt when she had opened the small package. Inside the delicate paper lay a gold diamond ring, the band covered with an intricate pattern of peacock feathers and flowers. It was the way Lily had always imagined her engagement ring.

As the darkness of the night slipped around her, Lily placed her hand on her swollen belly. She could feel her baby moving gently within her, as if it was too sleepy to roll over completely. For eight months she had been on her own, cramped in these cold quarters, while outside the world moved on.

She stared out the window once more, looking at the figure below. It was the last time she would ever see him. As he stopped to talk to a passing neighbour, Lily caught his eye. He started at her, his face betraying no emotion. He turned his back to her, ceasing to acknowledge her existence.

Lily cried to herself. For eight months she had lived with her grief, and now she had to end it. To know that the man she loved did not love her at all tore at her mind, and she was far too insane by now to care much for anything.

She stood up and walked to the centre of the room, the potion she had brewed already set out on the table. Taking a deep breath, she swallowed the configuration in one gulp and set the glass on the table. Almost immediately, she could feel the spasms racking her belly.

Within minutes her new son rested in her arms. She looked down at the tiny bundle resting in her arms, spotted his soft covering of his fathers black hair, and wept. Such a beautiful baby he was, yet Lily knew that she could never hold him.

She wrapped him up in a soft blanket and took him outside. She walked to the house where she knew he was and placed her baby on the doorstep, tucking a letter safely into his coverings. As she let him go, Lily stared into his deep emerald eyes and felt her heart break. This was the last time she would ever see her son.

As the wind picked up outside her lodgings, Lily swallowed the odourless poison. She staggered to the window and resumed staring at the street. She could just make out the bundle of blankets sitting on the step, his body protected by the hammock overhead. When the first light hit, he would have a new home. But her life would have ended.

As the poison began it final stages throughout her body, Lily collapsed on the floor. The storm outside raged mercilessly and there was no one to hear her screams. As the last of the candles began to flicker and the forbidding shadows crept closer to her body, Lily moaned.

When the light had died completely, Lily stared into the complete darkness. With her dying breath she whispered to the night air:

'I love you, Severus.'


End file.
